America x Depressed! Reader: Thoughts

                                                      ~America x Depressed! Reader: Thoughts~

TRIGGER WARNING:This fanfiction will contain suicidal thoughts and tendencies and mentions family death and self harm. No story is worth a panic attack, anxiety attack, or thoughts of suicide.  

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Second Person POV

         You are (f/n) (l/n). You live with your husband of two years, Alfred F. Jones. You love him with all your heart. Soon you’ll have been married to him for three years. He told you many times over that he was going to take you out and have a splendid evening with you to celebrate. This would be in another two months and you were so excited! It was only a few days away until the day he proposed those three years ago. He took you out on a romantic date and he later on proposed and you tackled him to the floor. If you had a dollar for every time you said yes, you’d be rich. Before you two had been wed, you had been going through some of the hardest times in your life. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you already and he saw how depressed you were, so he bumped up the date of his proposal and made you the happiest woman in the world; with how you had been, it was a humongous improvement. During those hard times, your idol, your older sister was killed by a drunk driver and your mother overdosed on pills after getting the call of her death. Your father had been killed during military service a little over eight years ago. With all of your family gone you had become very depressed, even suicidal. Alfred had been your high school love and had stuck with you for another three years, later on, proposing to you.

         You were walking through the streets of (city name) and noticed a flower shop and decided to stop in. You marveled at all the beautiful flowers that were inside. The flowers were made into beautiful arrangements and your heart couldn’t help but flutter when the thought of Alfred giving you one of these bouquets crossed your mind. You walked over to an elegant looking counter to see a serene, older-looking man. He smiled at you and spoke with a pleasant voice, “Is there anything you’d like today, Miss?” You thought for a moment an idea sprouted in your mind.

         “I would like seven of your loveliest red roses, please.” You returned his warm smile and he chuckled.

         “Lovely roses for a lovely lady, of course Miss.” He walked over to a large amount of red roses and took out seven of them. After, he walked back behind the counter and rung up the flowers. “That will be seven dollars Miss.” He said. You dug around in your purse and you pulled out seven dollars, handing it to him. He wrapped a layer of plastic around the ends, where the thorns were, and handed them over. Smiling, he said in a slightly louder voice than before, “Have a good day!” You responded by wishing him the same, you were about to leave but you noticed something before you did. On the desk was a card holder with cards for the flower shop, you quickly took one, sliding it into your purse, and waved goodbye to him.

         Walking feet were heard all around as some people were getting off of work at this time and hurrying to get home to their spouse, kids, pets, or the tranquilness of home. You, however, were not going home at the moment, you had to make a quick stop and then you’d be on your way. You veered a right at the next intersection and walked towards large gates. Tall, slim bars were opened to lead to an empty looking area other than the headstones. You walked forward, deeper into the graveyard and continued to a familiar part of the lot. The headstones you were now standing in front of read, “(Father’s Full Name)”, “(Mother’s Full Name)’, and “(Sister’s Full Name)”. You looked at one empty plot next to theirs, it was where you would be buried when you passed. Pain swelled inside of you as you remember their funerals, though you could faintly remember your fathers. That was the trigger for your suicidal thoughts and actions, you began cutting and Alfred had you start taking anti depressants so you could get better. It hurt him so much to see you in all that pain, he wanted your smile back and to see the happiness in your eyes again. After a few months, as mentioned earlier, he proposed. It was a good thing he did too, because that was the night you had planned to commit suicide. He saved you and you owed him your life for it, and you happily took his hand in marriage. Every night you thought of the three but you realized later that they would want you to be happy and live out your life. As you were thinking about events in the past your thighs and wrists started hurting; almost as if your memories were causing the pain to come back. You grit your teeth slightly but remember the true reason you went to the cemetery. Taking six of the flowers out of the bouquet you placed two on each of the headstones: one from you and one from Alfred. He wasn’t too close with your mother but he still cared for her and the same for your sister, he held you as tight a he could at their funerals. You could feel tears starting to well up in your eyes and slide down your cheeks, so you took one last look and left before you broke down again.

         Home wasn’t too far from where the cemetery was so you started walking. As you were, you got the overwhelming feeling of sadness. You just felt all gloomy and depressed, seeing no trigger, you thought is was just thinking of you family; but another emotion arose, that of fear or worry or possibly a mixture of the two. The uneasy feeling you get when you know something is wrong but you don’t know what it is exactly. This caused more tears to flow down your cheeks. Running wouldn’t be the term you would use for your movement, but speed walking wasn’t it either. Either way, you weren’t slow. Your house was in sight and you slowed down some and speed walked to the front door. Seeing the car outside, you realized Alfred was home. You opened the door, speeding to the living room. Slightly out of breathe, you calmed down, letting out a relieved sigh. You went to the front door again, closing and locking it. Alfred was sitting on the couch watching a football game while eating one of the burgers you would make for him most mornings. Realizing he’d heard something, he looked over and saw you.

         “Hey (f/n)! I was wondering when you’d get back. Whatcha been up to?” He asked.

         You were now hiding the last rose in your bag so he couldn't see and you responded, “Not much, I visited a flower shop.” There was evidence of your tears, your eyes were slightly glossy and the tear stains were nearly dry but still noticeable, while your eyes began to puff up.

         He hugged you tightly and asked, “Did you go to the cemetery?”

         Fresh tears began welling and you nodded. He lifted your head up and kissed you gently. He pulled away and moved a strand of hair behind your ear and looked at you adoringly.

         “You’re brave you know that? Strong, smart, and beautiful. Your family would want you to be happy and be lively. They wouldn’t want you to cry over them. They’d want you to smile and be happy because of all the nice memories you had of them.” He kissed you again and pulled away. You looked up at his cerulean eyes, such a wonderful blue they were, while he stared back at your (e/c) ones, which he thought were equally as wonderful.

         After a long amount of staring he finally grabbed your hand. “Is anything wrong, sweetest?” You raised an eyebrow at this, Has this happened that much? That he knows I’m sad after returning from the cemetery? Does he know the pain and feelings are back?  You thought. Another moment and you knew it’d be best to tell him.

         “The pain in my wrists and thighs came back again. I think I’m wanting to…” Your voice trailed off, you couldn’t look at his face, fearing he would be upset. Instead he hugged you and you started crying into his shoulder. You hated to mess up his nice clean shirt. He rubbed your back in circles to help calm you down and stop your tears. He whispered sweet nothings into your ear and tried to make you as comfortable as possible in his arms. Soon, your tears had dried and you were calm. You looked up at him.

         “I’ll always be here for you, remember that. You’re not alone.” He reassured you.

         You nodded, then gasped remembering something. “Oh! I got you something!” You pulled out the final rose that you bought from your bag and handed it to him.

         He smiled widely at it and hugged you tightly. “Thanks darling. How about we get this guy in a small vase?” You smiled and walked to a cabinet which had a few cups and mugs but no vases, you searched the other cabinets and drawers but to no avail. You got an idea and grabbed an empty beer bottle and rinsed it out. Then you put some water in and then the flower.

         “There!” You stated proudly.

“Aren’t you clever,” he said ruffling your hair,”now how about we go upstairs, watch a few movies and cuddle?”

         “That sounds really nice Alfie.” You said. He took your hand and led you up the stairs and into the bedroom and let you lay down.

         “Which movie?”

         You thought for a moment and responded, “How about Captain America?” He pulled his arm back yelling, “Yes!” You’ve now released his inner geek, but you loved that side just as much as the rest. You smiled laying back, feeling happier than you had in a long time.

                                                                                    The End